I was bored and felt the need to write this out. First off, I have read all the Twilight books. Three times actually. I wanted to know why some people would say that “It’s the best book ever!!” and “SMeyer is a genius!” etc. After reading the quartet for the third time, I still think it’s just an Anne Rice AU fan fiction gone horribly, horribly wrong.

For now I’m going to write a review for just the book Twilight. Later if I feel like it, I’ll do the other three. So… let’s do this.

SMeyer starts off by telling us all the details of Bella’s departure. First off, a good writer will show you what she wants you to know. They won’t tell you every little detail about what the character is wearing and the weather in the city and ZZZZ… it’s boring!

Also, right away I was put off by Bella because she has this façade of “Oh I’m so self-sacrificing for my mother” but at the same time she is whining about it. Why is Bella leaving anyway? Later when Edward asks her if it’s because she doesn’t like Phil she says no. That would be the most logical reason, but Bella doesn’t have one. She wouldn’t have been moving around the country at all, and once Phil got the house in Florida then they all could have moved in there. It took them, what, a few months to move to Florida? (I question that because the timeline in this book is very fuzzy.)

Oh but I forget, Bella has to move to Washington to meet Eddykins. Anyway, Bella is also very bitchy to her own father. There was nothing in Twilight to show that she had any reason to hate Charlie. He was loving, he bought her a car, he gave her a place to stay and cared for her like a parent should. However, for our speshul snowflake Bella, that isn’t good enough and she has to demean him and won’t even call him Dad. The only ‘bad’ thing that Charlie did was stay in the little town of Forks.

Bella looks down on everyone in that town as if she’s better than them. Just because they live in a small town. Not everyone is a hick in small towns there snowflake.

Now onward to Bella’s first day at school. The first thing she says about her old school was that she never fit in with anyone in Phoenix because she couldn’t find a clique that she could belong to. As soon as she gets to school she has Eric offering to walk her to class, Mike hitting on her and fawning over everything she does, and Jessica and Angela vying to be her friend. Not only that but everyone at the school notices her and watches every move she makes.

That is not believable at all. Now, if I had moved to a new school and everyone was being that nice, I would be flattered and really embarrassed that everyone was so helpful. Not Bella, as soon as Eric tries to help she pushes him into a category of, “this guy is not cute enough to talk to me” and she brushes him off. Then when she meets Mike she goes, “He’s kinda cute but not for me” and brushes him off as well. She doesn’t even bother remembering Jessica’s name when Jessica goes out of her way to invite Bella to her table of friends at lunch.

Oh another thing that made me scoff at this book. In English class, Bella looks over the reading material and suddenly she’s read all of those books? Where in this book has Bella ever been described as being a bookworm? Not once in her over descriptive unpacking scene did she pull out all her beloved classic novels. The only book that I have ‘seen’ Bella read was Wuthering Heights and a small part with a compilation book. That’s it in all four books.

So now we get to the part all the fangirls fawn over, the meeting of Edward. She walks in and right away he acts like he wants nothing to do with her. Of course that’s because her blood smells extra sweet to him and he can barely contain killing everyone in that classroom and drinking her blood. Yes I have read Midnight Sun as well. Someone that ‘perfect and beautiful and Adonis like’ being that antagonistic to her just ruins her whole day. Now again, if someone acted like that to me, I would feel hurt but when Mike starts trying to be super nice I wouldn’t take it too personal. Just ask the freaking teacher to switch seats with someone.

Now I am so disgusted with this sentence I have to quote it here. “[The next day] was better because it wasn’t raining yet, though the clouds were dense and opaque.” Wow, first off that doesn’t sound like a teenager describing the weather. It would make more sense to say the clouds were dark and heavy. Or don’t describe it at all since that it doesn’t matter! Also it’s another example of telling and not showing.

The biggest thing that happens to Bella today is that Edward isn’t in school. So immediately she thinks it’s because of her. He could be sick and she shouldn’t take it so personally. Of course since Bella is a super mary-sue, it is always about her. Also she starts describing Mike as a puppy that follows her around. The thing is, she never tells him to back off since it’s making her uncomfortable. Instead she just laps up the attention but whines about it.

Now instead of going through every chapter I’m going to skip ahead to where Edward and Bella are ‘dating.’ Now their relationship is all based on looks. That is why they start dating. They had about 4 conversations before they were ‘irrevocably’ in love with each other. Those conversations consisted of Edward telling Bella to 'back off or I will kill you'. Of course Bella wouldn’t listen because he was just too sparkly. Later I will explain how Edward is very abusive towards Bella.

The first time Bella says that she loves Edward is after he saves her from being raped. I would think that her feelings for her hero are just because she was traumatized after nearly being raped. Not love, just an infatuation because he swooped in and took her out of a bad situation.

The next 177 pages, after she says she loves him, is them making doe eyes at each other. It’s worse than Episode II of Star Wars. “I love you like a love has never loved before and my love overflows with love. And I love you.” –George Lucas. Gag. No plot in this whole section. Just Edward sparkling and Bella meets his family. Oh and they love each other. Then finally on page 372 we get a whiff of the plot. Did I mention Edward and Bella love each other? Because apparently they do.

So now some random vampire group that was never mentioned before wants to eat Bella. Bella leaves and goes back to Phoenix to hide out while everyone else tries to kill this other vampire because every Cullen (except Rosalie) loves Bella instantly. So blah blah, obvious plot twist is obvious, Edward saves Bella again and the mary-sue is in the hospital. The reason that Edward says she’s in the hospital? She fell down two flights of stairs and out a window. Hello controlling boyfriend. If that story was given to my mom, she would be awfully skeptical. Better explanation; she was in a car accident.

Here is when I started to realize how sad Bella’s life is. The only person she cares about is Edward. Not once does she think about her friends or her Dad. Her whole life centers around him. That is very unhealthy for someone. Because of Edward she distances herself from her family and friends. She never goes with her ‘friends’ unless they can give her something and never invites them over. She never once seeks out Jacob in this book, even though the least she could do after lying to him was to ask him to hang out. Already the signs of a controlling and abusive relationship are present.

The ending of the book has Bella asking Edward to make her into a vampire so that she won’t be so helpless in case something else happens. Right away Edward says no. He claims it’s because he doesn’t want to take her soul away, but it is just one more way for him to control Bella. He says that he will stay with her forever, but doesn’t make a decision to make her immortal. Now in the next book, Bella has a bad dream where she will be old and still dating Edward. If he had his way, then that is what would happen. She would grow old and die, and after she died, Eddykins said that he would commit suicide.

Apparently he doesn’t value life if he would let his twu wuv die and then kill himself after. That is creepy. Not love. For a vampire that is only 100 years old, he is awfully jaded. At least Lestat had fun being the undead.

Now since Eddykins sparkles in the sunlight, wouldn’t he glow under florescent lights? If it is UV light that make him sparkle he would glow or sparkle slightly at certain angles at school. The whole sparkling thing doesn’t even make sense if vampires did sparkle. Also SMeyer always points out how hard they are and when they are ripped apart they sound like granite being pulled apart. They should sound like rocks rubbing together whenever they moved. Nothing about these vampires make sense!

Sigh

And that is my review for Twilight. I must now unroll my eyes, I rolled them so hard they’re stuck. Reasons why Edward is abusive will be another submission because this is long enough.

EDIT: Okay, I asked my fiance about the sparkly thing and I have to amend a few points. Now they don't sparkle while there is cloud cover right? So clouds only cover ambient light. Not UV radiation. It's not the UV rays that cause the sparkles.

So that means ambient light is the culprit. Ambient light comes from many things. A lamp would make them sparkle, the sunlight reflecting off the moon would make them sparkle. A FLASHLIGHT WOULD MAKE THEM SPARKLE.

THESE ARE FAIL VAMPIRES.