Mr. Sparkle-pants part duex! Ok, so to recap Twilight: Bella moves herself to Washington, complains the whole way there, treats her dad like crap, meets perfect controlling Eddykins, they love each other and are full of love, Bella-sue is almost eaten and Edward has some serious mood swings.

I think that's about right. Now we move to New Moon! I had loads of fun writing the last review/rant so I'm going to do all the books. Everyone should feel like Bella! Speshul.

Let's begin.

Cue the dream sequence! In this dream Bella's subconscious  realizes that Edward is a control freak. She's an old lady while Edward is still "perfect" and 17. He's forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do and even this mary-sue realizes it. But of course nothing can make me happy with this book and Bella wakes up and lets us know it's her birthday. Oh no! You're turning 18?! The horror. Suck it up.

And then we can't go one page without hearing about how wonderful Eddy is, so on the next page (I shit you not) Bella goes on about how he's a "pagan god of beauty." And now we get to hear how she hates her birthday and doesn't like getting presents.

Who in their right mind doesn't like getting presents? Oh wait this is Bella. Carry on. So blah blah school goes on and Bella doesn't want a party but Edward forces her to go to his family's birthday party for her.

Before this party however, we get to see Edward get even creepier. While watching Romeo and Juliet, Eddie says that if Bella ever died he would kill himself. Whoa there sparkles. Not only is he scaring Bella which is a control tactic, but this shows how much he values life. Instead of  keeping Bella's memory alive in his heart, he would just off himself. How freaking selfish is that?

But now on to happy things! Bella is forced to go to a birthday party. Baw. They get there and everything's fine and dandy until she gives herself a paper cut. Jasper goes hella-crazy and tries to eat her. Now here Edward literally tackles her and they both go flying across the room into the table and they break it. They break the table. The table is broken. With Bella's body. If Edward loved her so much, wouldn't he have stopped Jasper instead of hurting Bella? Or he could have controlled his attack to just keep her safe.

Luckily Carlisle is supah-speshul too and he fixes Bella up. God the Cullens are so flat. (How flat are they? They're so flat they can only do side-scrolling missions! *Ba-da Tsch*) Bad jokes aside, Edward starts distancing himself from Bella.

Of course since she's trained to be submissive to Edward, Bella thinks it's her fault. When she tells him that, he starts ranting and pretty much showing how he is still jealous of Mike Newton. His rant also give her a reason to be scared to ever talk about their relationship.

Next shows another warning sign of an abusive relationship. When Bella gets home she tries to hide her arm from her dad. When he asks about it she says that she tripped. Not only is she lying to him but she's putting all of the blame on herself.

Now again, Edward must control the whole relationship and Bella is too scared to actually talk to him. This doesn't sound like true love to me. Edwards keeps acting luke warm to her and Bella thinks it's her fault. Then comes the kicker. Edward takes Bella into the forest and breaks up with her. He does it in a very hurtful way. He tells her his family is leaving and he doesn't care about her anymore. Also that he's going to make it as if he never existed. So he takes all of the things that would remind her of him.

...

There is so much wrong with this I don't know where to begin. First of all, he hurt her unnecessarily by telling her that she was just a little human and that she didn't keep his interest anymore. He told her that she was no good for him. He also kept Alice from saying goodbye to Bella. Bella-sue couldn't even say goodbye to Edwards family because he controls who she talks to and when. Then he takes all of her stuff to force her to get over him. I'm sorry but Bella should have been able to deal with him leaving however she wanted to. Edward taking that stuff is him controlling how she had to get over him.

And people want this guy as a boyfriend? Good lord, I'd rather have Gokudera. At least he doesn't lie.

I also have to point out how caring Charlie is here. When they find Bella in the forest Charlie carries her himself to the house even though Sam could have done it easier. He tries his best to comfort her. He even sleeps in the chair downstairs to keep an eye on her to make sure she's ok. And this girl has the gall to act like a little bitch to him later on! RAGE.

Ok, deep breaths. I must press on.

So this is the only time we have a set time line and it's four pages with just the months written on them.

Now if Bella was such a strong character she wouldn't be so broken over her boyfriend of about 6-7 months leaving her. However, she was also hurt badly because of how he broke up with her and how he was forcing her to get over him on his terms. These are some messed up people.

So now Bella starts clinging to Jacob to try to heal herself. This goes on for 132 pages. Not only that but she starts doing things that could kill her so she can hear Edwards voice in her head. Through these pages, Bella also leads Jacob on because she is so dependant on someone to make her whole.

Then Jacob can't see her because now he's a shape-shifter werewolf thing. So for once Bella gets a spine and finds out what's going on with him.

So from 225 to 356 is when Jake is his wolfy self and Bella keeps clinging to him. Then Bella jumps off a freaking cliff. To hear Edwards voice. In her head. She nearly gets herself killed at this point but Jacob saves her life again. Nothing is able to kill this girl. Sheesh.

Alice shows up because they think that Bella is dead, and Edward believes it. Oh and also Edward is a selfish twit. Not only does he take Rosalie's word that Bella killed herself, but when Jake says that Charlie is at a funeral Ed doesn't confirm that it's Bella's. AND he doesn't even go there to pay his respects. No, instead he becomes even more emo and like a selfish brat he goes off to kill himself. If Edward believed that his one true love was dead, he should have gone to the funeral to say goodbye. But no, everything has to be about him, and so he has to die.

WTF!?

So now it's a lame race against time to stop Edward from leaving this earthly plane. Of course since there's 2 more books Eddie doesn't die. Can't let anyone important die! When Bella leaves her home and her dad after he lost his best friend she just leaves him a post-it note saying 'Eddie's in trouble so I gotta go run to him. BAI!'

Must resist the temptation to hit my head on the desk. Repeatedly.

Now here's something, when Eddykins thinks he's dead he sees Bella and assumes that he's in heaven. A big part of Edwards argument against turning Bella into a bloodsucker is that he doesn't want her to lose her soul. Now if he truly believed that he would've realized right away that he wasn't dead. So this again shows how he has to control everything about Bella.

Alright so then the three of them go off to meet the Not!bad guys. I don't know, these vampires aren't that scary. Then they all fly back to Washington.

Now instead of being understandably angry and hurt over Ed-man trying to kill himself, Bella clings to him like a barnacle. She doesn't even give him a dirty look. How submissive can she get?

So now they get home and Bella again asks Edward to make her a vampire. Of course he doesn't want to but in a twist (not so much) his whole family thinks it's a good idea. So he gives her a condition. If she marries him, he'll change her. Boy... that's not making someone do something against their will so they get what they want...

Then when she confronts Charlie she forces him into a corner. He hates Edward because of what he did to his daughter but he loves his daughter too much to just throw her out. Bella threatens to run away if Charlie doesn't allow Edward into his own home. Yeah real mature there.

And that's pretty much it. Jacob brings Bella's motorcycle to the house to get Bella in trouble because he's hurt. Which is understandable. And it ends with her hurting another friend of hers to be with vampixie.

So... girls say sparkle-butt has good intentions? I don't think so. He's just a control freak. This whole book is pretty much how suicidal everyone is. I can imagine Ed and Bella sitting in their room listening to Linkin Park and cutting their wrists.

Well, you have just read the entirety of New Moon without gouging your eyes out! Congratulations! Next up: Eclipse! After a few stiff drinks.