Breaking Dawn: the fanfictioning.  

So we’ve made it to the end of Twilight. It’s been a long and tiring journey full of fail and loves that have never loved before. And *SPARKLES.* We only have to trudge through Breaking Fail. Now this book is the epitome of fail. I fear that I may not make it through. If I don’t, please remember me for who I was. The woman that recapped all the books for you and died doing so, so you won’t have to.  

So let’s go back for a second to remember times past. Insert wavy lines here for flashback effects.  

Twilight: Bella’s a bitch, Edward thinks he’s better than everyone, Charlie is sweet but treated like crap, Ed and Bella-sue fall “irrevocably” in love after 4 conversations, the greatest pairing between Bella and Tylers van is stopped by sparkles, Bella is almost eaten but is saved in the nick of time by Dudley Do-right! I mean Edward.

New Moon: Bella is almost eaten again, Edward leaves to be with Jaco-I mean he’s off somewhere in a non-disclosed location, Bella starts clinging to Jacob because she’s not whole unless she has a man in her life, she almost dies again (my eyes are rolled permanently in the back of my head), Edward tries to sparkle himself to death because he’s a twit, and Bella ditches Jake to be with pixie.

Eclipse: Suddenly the homoeroticism between Ed and Jake is brought to the forefront! They fight over whose beard Bella is going to be, Eddy is now known as Twink and is Jake’s butt-buddy, uhh... what the hell is the story in Eclipse?! Oh yeah Victoria is finally killed in the third book and Bella is one step closer to having hawt Vampixie secks!

Awesome

If you haven’t noticed, I’m kinda stalling for time. If I’m gonna die, I want to spend as much time as I can alive. I’ve said my good-byes. It’s time to dive in.

Oh God…

Jeez, I haven’t even gotten to the first page and I’m already mad. The book jacket (yeah I have the hardcover edition) says, and I quote, “To be irrevocably in love with a vampire…” The rest is all blah. How many times is she going to use irrevocably?! SMeyer rapes the thesaurus too much sometimes and not enough other times. QUIT USING PET WORDS.  

Sorry about the caps lock but it bugs me to no end when people use pet words. I do it too but I try very hard not to. That is why I proof-read my writing at least 3 or 4 times.

Alright, so let’s start with the actual ‘story.’ Again this preface I must comment on. It goes on to describe that someone Bella-sue loves is going to kill her. Ho shit! Twink must’ve got a phone call from Jake saying he’ll take him back! Now that Jacob is totally craving his marble man-meat there’s no need for a beard. Bella’s finally gonna die. I can’t wait.

We start out with Bella in an expensive car. Of course we can’t read in her point of view without hearing her whine, so she’s whining about some sweet car and how everyone is looking at her. Sheesh. Then we hear why she’s in this tank, Twink had bought it for her when her truck died. Not only that but even Bella suspects that he sabotaged her truck so he can buy her the car. I’m tired of trying to shake some sense into a fictional character so I’m not going to even try.

So blah, we find out through some clunky exposition that Jacob is still missing and that there’s gonna be a wedding going on. Did Washington legalize gay marriage? Are Twink and Jake finally gonna tie the knot? Oh damn, it’s Bella’s and sparkles’ wedding.  

Ew icky girl parts. How is Twink gonna survive?

By the way, what is wrong with this girl? A wedding is supposed to be a happy occasion and she acts like it’s going to kill her. Well it will, but that’s beside the point. Why is she getting married if she hates it so much? Also being stuck with Twink for the rest of eternity is no different than marrying the poor sap. It’s just a ring on your finger. Sigh.

So Bella and Sparkles are lying in bed being all lovey dovey, but not in the biblical sense, when Bella tries to meet little sparkles. Of course since she doesn’t make him hard (haha he’s hard everywhere else but there) he stops her. He can’t have some gross girl touching his naughty parts. He has to save himself for his wolf-man!  

Of course he makes some lame excuse about him hurting her, but we all know it’s a lie. He also tries to get her to back out of the wedding but it’s a no go. She’s hungry for some sausage.  

Oh God I feel dirty now. Excuse me while I go get a brillo pad and a bucket of clorox bleach. I must cleanse myself.  

He then leaves to go to his bachelor party. I’m sure it consists of Jake, roses and lots and lots of leather.

The day of the wedding is now here! Lots of describing is going on. Blah blah, don’t care. Oh what a surprise, Bella is pretty. Ruh-roh Raggie, Jake shows up! He looks pissed. I’m guessing the bachelor party didn’t go quite as planned. Twink was probably feeling a little confused since he’s a little too attached to his beard.  

So Twink saunters himself over to Jake. Unfortunately, he forgot that Bella was still with him and she of course thinks that he did it for her and takes up Jacobs time. Twink goes to sit in a dark corner and cry.  

And so, they dance! Some more clunky exposition later and Jacob makes fun of Bella because she won’t have a real honeymoon. Since that’s the only reason why she’s marrying the mascot for the Gay Pride Parade, she blurts out that she’s gonna get some hunky man-meat. Jacob gets super pissed because gross girl parts are going to be touching his perfect Twink! How dare she! The little hussy!

Wow, I'm shocked, this is the first time that Bella is nice to Charlie. I must bask in this moment.

Ok things happen and Bella and Twink end up on an island called Isle Esme. I think we got the point that these… people are rich. Enough with the subtle hints SMeyer.

And so begins the bruising sex that Bella can’t remember. Wow, I thought sex was supposed to be a wonderful and memorable experience. Also, the first time is never that good. And some fangirls really think this isn't some wish fulfillment story? Really?

This book has turned into a smut novel without the smut! If you’re gonna write about sex, freaking write it. Don’t ‘fade to black.’ Not only is she scared to write out her wet dreams, but she takes the fade to black thing way too seriously in the book. I bet Forever Dawn is this novel but with the smut written out.

So now Bella has had her bruising and forgetful sex. Hey if this story is told from her perspective and there's no description of the actual deed, then she must've forgotten the whole thing. If this was told through Twink's POV then he would have been thinking of Jake the whole time.

Now Twink is angry that he had to touch gross girl parts. Damn Jake for being so stubborn. Twink can't get rid of Bella, his family will find out his secret! So he won't let Bella touch him. Everything is going according to plan until she attacks him in the middle of the night. Twink cries over his lost innocence and lets Bella have her way with him.

Bella starts acting weird now, being more uncoordinated, eating a lot and having weird dreams. Must be the vampixie sex. It's not healthy for you.Twink also keeps making fun of Bella by calling her human, but in a demeaning manner. All Bella thinks about is sex. What the hell. She is starved for some man meat.

Another myth that SMeyer has raped for her fanfiction. The Lobisomen. She calls them the Libishomen. Waaaaay off there sweet cheeks. Not only did you get the name completely wrong, but the Lobisomen are werewolves. They prey upon anyone that happens to be near them.

Suddenly Bella starts getting sick. It's funny, she starts getting sick whenever Twink touches her. Anywho, they both realize that somehow Bella is pregnant.

... wat?

First off, isn't Edward dead? According to SMeyer herself, that made up her vampixies, all of their bodily fluids are replaced by venom. So that means no semen, only venom. So that venom shooting into Bella, wouldn't make her pregnant, it would eat her from the inside out. And semen can't have been stored in his body for the 100 years he's been a vampire. When he died they would've died. He's not a demon that goes around impregnating women, so again I say, "wat."

Then she tries to play it off by making her vampires into incubi! Really SMeyer? Really? An incubus is a demon, it goes around impregnating women to make more incubi. In one legend it says, 'In some legends, incubi and succubi were said not to be different genders of the same demonic species but the same demon able to change their sex; the idea being that a succubus would be able to sleep with a man and collect his semen, and then transform into an incubus and use that seed on women.'

So he is sleeping with Jake! The truth has been revealed!

Also I found this tidbit quite humorous, "The incubus drains energy from the woman on whom it performs sexual intercourse in order to sustain itself, and some sources indicate that it may be identified by its unnaturally cold penis" We have found out what the Cullens really are. They are incubi (and succubi for the ladies.)

This book has now turned into propaganda for keeping your child even if it's a life sucking demon that is going to kill you. Sheesh.

So after being pregnant for 5 days Bella feels the little incubus kick her. Now I haven't had as many kids as SMeyer but I'm pretty sure that I know quite a lot about pregnancy. In the description her belly isn't big enough to have a child old enough to start kicking. I can let the "accelerated growth" thing slide, but come on it would take at least a 4-5 weeks to start moving around. With only a tiny baby bump she wouldn't feel anything.

Anyway, so Twink decides for her that they're going to abort the baby. It should be her decision on what to do with this baby not his. And so ends Bella's section...for now.

We now join Jake with his flighty fantasies of Twink in only a lacy cravat. I like Jake's preface "'life sucks and then you die.' Yeah, I should be so lucky." Nice and short.

Poor Jacob, I actually liked him until SMeyer ruined the poor guy. So blah, stuff happens, Jake is emo in the first bit until they hear about Bella being 'sick.'

So Jacob is weelly weelly mad. (SMeyer won't allow cussing of any kind in her books so I have to uphold the mentality.) He runs off to confront his lover. How dare he sleep with a woman!

Jake gets there and Bella has grown Pluto in her stomach from the description us readers are given.So yeah, pretty gross. Oh but wait, it gets grosser later on. So Twink tells Jacob to try to talk sense into Bella by offering his stud services. Jake of course doesn't want to touch a disgusting girl so he doesn't fly for that plan. He tries to talk Bella out of this but she's too crazy with motherhood to listen.

Blah blah, the pack of werewolves are going to kill off the Cullens because of the baby, Jake becomes an Alpha and runs off to protect his statue-y love, Seth the nice werewolf runs off with him... in that way, and Leah, the only girl out of the pack, joins them a little later on. Damn, the sausage fest is ruined!

A little side note on Leah. I like her, she's got attitude, she doesn't take crap from anyone, and she's a bad ass werewolf. So of course in SMeyers book she's a bitch and no one can like her. Ugh.

Lets trudge onwards. Bella starts drinking blood to feed the baby and they figure out a way they can deliver the baby and keep Ms. Martyr alive long enough to turn into a vampire.

Suddenly, because Twink can hear thoughts, he hears the thoughts of the baby and is in love with the baby. Jake feels left out. He has totally lost his poor love. Guess he has to go with Leah.

Days pass and by a twist of SMeyer induced fate, Carlisle, the only doctor in the house had left with Esme and Emmett to go eat. That's the day that Bella's placenta detaches or rips or something gross.

We now start on the most horrible, gross, disgusting, terrifying and mind-scarring birthing scene ever written in the history of man. I'm going to share with you all the terror I have witnessed. Prepare yourselves my darling readers.

First off after the detaching of the placenta Bella starts screaming and vomiting blood. Also her bones are being broken by her flailing around because of the baby. They take her away to the 'delivery' room and shoot her up with morphine. She keeps flopping around on the table still breaking more bones. Bella starts screaming at everyone to not wait for the morphine and pops the blood vessels in her eyes and she starts bleeding from the inside. She also vomits more blood.

Rosalie starts going vampire and Jake throws her out the room. Jake then has to do CPR on the dying martyr right after her spine breaks. Twink then cuts her stomach open with a scalpel and then eats away at the marble thing covering the baby. Lovely.

Finally the baby is pulled out and they find out it's a girl. That means it needs a name. It's name.... Renesmee. The fuck? What kind of name is that? She's now renamed Bob. So Bella asks to hold the baby and Twink gives over the little demon. The little girl bites Bella and Twink pulls her away telling her 'no' as if she had just thrown a toy across the room.

Bella's heart then stops and Jake starts trying to keep her alive. Twink shoots up Bella with his venom and starts biting her on her main arteries to make her a vampire. Jake gives up and Twink takes over, trying to manually pump her heart to get the venom going through her body.

Jake, beaten and alone, starts to leave. He becomes supah angry when he realizes that Bob is the reason why Bella is dead. Jake gets ready to turn into a werewolf and rip up the hizzouse when he looks into the baby's eyes and imprints.

NO! NO NO NO NO NO! God SMeyer, not only do you glorify abusive relationships, suicide and only having a relationship based on looks, but you have to glorify pedophilia and child-grooming.

It would have been so much better if Jake and Leah had got together. Leah and Jake could heal each other after being hurt so badly by the people they love. They would've grown and become better people. But NO! SMeyer has to make Jake imprint on a child! It doesn't matter how fast Bob's body grows, she won't have the mentality of an adult!

Or, by contrast, if her mind grew as fast as her body, she would have to go through everything children do in a matter of a few months. Then when she goes through puberty that will be accelerated as well. All of the changing hormones and thoughts and changes her body goes through would be sped up. She would go crazy. Bob would be seriously messed up in the head.

Now we go back to Bella's POV. I never thought I would say this but THANK QUANTUM PHYSICS (or God if you prefer.) I don't want to read how Jake wants to give Bob a hot dicking.

So Bella recaps what happened in the birthing scene from her point of view. I do not need to live through that again. Her point of view however was less scarring than Jake's. That would've been better to have in the book than the other version.

Because Bella is a super speshul snowflake mary-sue of doom, she doesn't scream as the venom rips through her body, effectively turning her into a marble statue. In the beginning she can't scream or thrash because the morphine has paralyzed her, but when it's burned away by the venom she still doesn't cry out.

So she wakes up and she's the prettiest and most graceful vampire EVAR. Wow, didn't see that coming. Blah blah Bella's hot and she's speshul. She and Twink run off to eat and Bella smells hoomans on the frontier.

But wait! Bella doesn't eat them because she's perfect. Whew, I got worried that there might be some inner turmoil Bella might have to suffer and get over. Crisis averted!

Now Bella and Twink have sex all night in their little love cabin and hang out with the super speshul Bob during the day. Oh did I forget to mention that Bob has special powers too? She can show images to people that she has seen. So they see what she's seen and feel a bit of her emotions at the time. Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, I thought special powers were rare?

Even though Bella was all "motherly" when she was pregnant with Bob, she now doesn't act like much of a mom to her when she's out of the marble womb. Everyone else has to deal with her. Jake, Rosalie, Esme. Bella just wants hawt vampire buttsecks.

And! Jake brings Charlie over so Bella can show him how she's changed. Great idea there pup. I don't get why he does it either. He knows that newborns can't be around humans or they'll eat them. Just ugh. But Bella doesn't eat Charlie cuz she's the best vampire evar

So finally we get an inkling of some kind of hardship that the vampixie family will have to face. Irina, a veggie-vampire (no she's not a carrot, she doesn't eat humans either), sees Bob and thinks that she's a baby vampire. Which is against the law. So she runs off to Italy to tell the Volturi.

So now we get this buildup of an awesome fight that's gonna go down between the Cullens and the Volturi. I'm excited. I mean, there wouldn't be all this buildup and freaking out about dying by the Volturi's hands if there was nothing right? Right?

A bunch of vampires start showing up and most of them have special powers too. Again, I thought it was rare. Alice and Jasper leave because the Cullens aren't going to win and they don't want to die. Never mind that Alice and Bella are best friends and Alice loves the Cullen crew.

These vampixies start training for this inevitable battle and again Bella is special because she has the strongest and bestest shield that anyone has ever had. She starts training on expanding her shield so no one can attack them.

Blah blah, training for this unstoppable battle. Bella goes off and has some forged papers made for Jake and Bob when everyone dies so that the two of them can run off and live together. Finally we get an explanation as to how the Cullens can go to any city they like and get into school and all that.

Also we get to read how the Volturi are corrupt and this whole battle is just an excuse to get Twink and Bella on their side. So that means there's gonna be a battle to at least capture the two of them since they're so valuable. They wouldn't travel 5683 miles just for nothing. I mean, that's ridiculous.

The day of reckoning arrives. YES, we are gonna get an epic battle of epic proportions. There are at least 17 vampires on the Cullens side and most of the Volturi on the other. This is gonna be epic. (LAWL I rite liek Stephanie. I use pet wordz. I culd rite books gud to.)

They arrive. I'm so excited, a battle is about to take place. I've been waiting for this battle for awhile now. They've trained and are ready to throw down.

Even the wives of the Volturi are here, so this is gonna be a big-ass battle. The werewolves are also there because of all the vampires... oh and the pedophile Jake.

However Bella is not the damsel in distress finally. She actually wants to fight. Angry Bella is the best Bella. Maybe if she was angry more often she wouldn't put up with the abusive antics of Twink.

So Twink and Aro talk and the baaaad vampires learn that Bob isn't a vampire baby, but a hybrid. She runs off of gas and electric! So they loves her too. But Caius is all like, "I want to fight!!!" So he turns to Irina and asks if she's really grown and Irina's all, "Yeah dudes. My bad."

Caius get super pissed now cuz his... venom(?) is boiling for a fight. So he sets Irina on fire.

OH! Darn, the fight almost started there.

So Aro is all, "Well we can't have unknown crap so....let us counsel!"

Come on, get to the fight already. I'm waiting.

So while Dumbledore (Aro), Yosemite Sam(Caius), and Eeyore (Marcus), all "counsel" Bella tells Twink, Jake and Bob her plan. So now it's gonna start. Then Twink puts his head on Jakes shoulders and says,"Goodbye, Jacob, my brother... my son." Damn, thought he was gonna say 'My butt-buddy.'

So one of the vampires is trying to break their bonds while Jane tries to put them into searing pain. But Bella's Mary-sue Shield(tm) has everyone covered. Of course. Also Alec, Jane's bro, is sending a mist of DOOM over to make them not care about being torn to pieces. But the Mary-sue Shield stops that too.

Alice shows up with another hybrid vampire thing. He says everything is fine and dandy, Bob is gonna grow up ok and not kill everyone.

Dumbledore the vampire then is, "Well then everything's settled. Love you Carlisle! Smooches. Ta!"

The Volturi leave. Everyone celebrates with their respective mates. Because in SMeyers world, you're not complete unless you have someone in your life.

Wait.... what happened to my fight? After suffering through 11 chapters of getting ready for this fight and everyone freaking out who is going to die, we don't get the fight?! WTF SMeyer!? Are you too scared to write it out? If you were you should've just finished the damn book when Bella was sparkling in the sun with her new family and she said that she found a place she belonged. That would have been a good ending. But you kept it going and leading up to this awesome fight of epicness and death and nothing happens!

I need to find a bat and SMeyers address.

And the ending is here. Bella and Twink are going to have hawt vampixie sex for the rest of eternity because all she can think about is sex. SEX SEX SEX.

I'm not naming any names here, but I think that the person that wrote this book is sexually repressed or not getting enough at home. Seriously, after reading this book I believe that she is not getting any. She's probably got a pile of those smutty romance novels in her closet.

So they all live happily ever after without any kind of hardship. Good lord, I don't even want to sum up this book. Let me sum up by saying...

SHIT SUX. Buy a real book. Please for the love of something, buy a real book.

I'm sorry this is so long but the book is ridiculously long. Also how in the world did this get a YA rating? YA can have a disgusting and mind-scarring birth scene but it can't have sex? What is this world coming to? Sex between Twink and Bella wouldn't have hurt as much as that scene. God it wouldn't have hurt that much.

I am now going to pour bleach into my head.