Abusive sparkly boyfriend and Super-duper Mary-sue the book! Part 3.

To recap New Moon: Eddy is pretty and leaves Bella, Jacob becomes a doggy, nothing can freaking kill Bella, Bella leads Jake on, Ed attempts suicide by sparkling, and Eddy and Bella get back together without so much as a glare from Bella-sue. Oh and Bella is still a bitch to her dad.

This book seems to have a whole lot more of nothing in this book, so I feel this is going to be a bit longer than the other two. So just to warn you, this might be a longer read.

I have put on my robe and wizard hat. I’m ready to do this.

… I hope.

Alright, so I don’t usually do the preface because it’s just a hint at what horrible fate awaits Bella, however I feel I must comment on this one. This book is the only one with an actual fight scene and this preface makes it seem so much more dramatic than it is. Now if someone had actually DIED or had been hurt, this would have been a lot tenser. However, this is SMeyer and she can’t make her vampire family go through any kind of character building sadness. So this preface falls flat on its face. See what I did there? Har har.

First thing we see here is that Jake and Bella aren’t friends still. Now this book must take place immediately after New Moon. The reason being that according to Bella at the end of New Moon Ed was gone for 8 months. Okay, so let’s count. He left near mid-September. So we should be in mid-May. Wow, there’s a time line to this story! Kinda, I don’t know how much time has gone by between these books.

Then we’re assaulted with how inept Charlie is at surviving on his own. Like he hadn’t been living by himself for 18 years and providing himself with food during that time. If only I could convey to you, gentle readers, how hard I’m rolling my eyes right now.

Anywho, Charlie is un-grounding Bella because according to him she is not very whiney. Excuse me while I step away to laugh my ass off. Oh… alright I think I’m quite composed now. Then Charlie says almost the same thing I had in my last recap, “If you’d had more of a life outside of Edward Cullen, it might not have been like that.”

So Twitards? Bella is the one with no life, not the anti’s. Even her dad says so.

Bella argues with him of course and then sparkles shows up so that we can have our designated amount of Bella describing how beautiful he is. Again and again. So we find out not so subtly that the two love birds are applying for college. And surprise! The two of them have been accepted to the same school.

It would be such a funny twist of fate if, after we were beat over the head with how smart Bella supposedly is, she didn’t get accepted to any colleges. Of course that’s not gonna happen, but one can dream.

Ed then pipes up saying that Bella should apply to Dartmouth making me laugh. Bella of course says that she’ll never get in but Eddy says he’s going to do it anyway. Hey Bella honey, run away as fast as you freaking can. He’s dictating your life!

My thoughts don’t reach her and so she just crumbles to his amber eyes. So then onward to Bella’s room where there’s some hawt vampire sex. Not! Ed’s balls must be Prussian blue by now.

Jacob comes up while Bella and Ed are making out and Ed of course won’t let Bella go see Jake stating that he’s too dangerous. It would be hilarious if the real reason why he doesn’t want Bella to go see him is because Jake and Ed are having late night rendezvous and they don’t want to get caught.

…From now on that is what is going on between the two of them. You are all now aware of the sexual tension between Edward and Jacob. That would explain why Mr. Morals hasn’t just ripped off Bella’s clothes yet when she’s throwing herself on him through this whole book. No man can say no to a woman that is that willing unless he’s gay or is disgusted by said woman. I am also going to call Edward ‘Twink’ from now on.

Alright, so next Bella and Twink head over to Florida. How Twink managed not to sparkle like the pixie he is baffles me and will never be explained unfortunately. SMeyer says they stayed indoors but people have windows. And they had to go outside when they flew over there. Oh well, one more plot hole that SMeyer is filling with water.

So they go see mommy-dearest and Bella is of course very condescending with her mother. She gets mad at Phil for taking her mom sky-diving. Jeez girl, maybe your mom doesn’t want to be coddled. She then goes on to explain how she had to talk her mom out of doing things that she wanted to do and then smiling and nodding along with the ideas that Renee were allowed to do by nazi!Bella. Ow, my head hurts from all the hits I’ve been taking with the ‘Bella is so grown up’ mallet.

So some stuff happens and Bella tries to go see Jake. When she gets to her truck, she can’t get it to start. She notices that Twink is in the truck as well with a piece of her engine. He says that he doesn’t want her to get hurt and is going to make sure it doesn’t happen.

I’m screaming at my book and shaking it for her to get out of this relationship but she still doesn’t hear me. Submissively she goes back to her room to sulk. Twink then runs to La Push for a quickie from Jake while Bella has a temper tantrum.

Some more unimportant things happen before Bella makes another run to see Jake. She makes it and hangs out with wolfie for a few hours. She then leaves to be with Angela to help her with graduation stuff. On the way there Twink follows her all the way there and Bella is too scared to actually talk to him. That is not a healthy relationship.

Bella goes home and sees Twink sulking in the corner. Probably because his butt-buddy was being held up by his beard. So again they have a conversation about how dangerous Jake is. I’m sure Twink knows just how dangerous wolf-man can be. Rawr. And again he is dictating that Bella can’t see him. Twink is pretty selfish eh? Keeping that hawt hairy man all to himself.

I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Okay, so the next thing the sparkly Twinkie does is get Alice to kidnap Bella to watch her and make sure she doesn’t go to Jake’s house while he’s out ‘hunting.’ Probably hunting for man-meat. Again I want to smack Bella for putting up with Twink’s abusive and domineering nature.

So finally Twink lets her go see Jake. Woo, she can see her friend because he gives her permission! I’m suddenly reminded of the soup nazi. “No Jacob for you! Come back, one year!”

While Bella is visiting Jake we get to hear a SMeyer version of why they’re wolves. Also another story with a girl being a damsel in distress and then killing herself! Why does SMeyer have to glorify suicide?!

Next we get an actual day to this fuzzy storyline. The 4th of June. Now if this is only the fourth, then everything I have described above happened in just a couple of weeks. Busy girl this one is.

Also I forgot to mention but someone took a bunch of Bella’s clothes. I’m guessing it’s Twink so he can dress pretty for his dear wolf.  This is just some kind of lame attempt to make the plot thicken or seem a little tenser. However since I know how this ends, it does nothing for me.

Anyway, some more squabbling over Bella’s soul because she wants to be a vampixie, and Twink reminding his beard of the condition of marrying him before they do the nasty. I think he’s just stalling so he doesn’t have to touch icky girl parts.

Then we get to hear Jaspers supah-cool bad ass story of how he was made and what makes him the cool vampire of coolness. He was a soldier in the civil war and he got turned into a vampire. Then he and his creator used a bunch of newborn vampires to take over territories and eat humans to their hearts content. He escaped, met up with Alice and then they joined the Cullens. Awesome.

Blah blah, Bella goes to see Jake again. And then SMeyer has to ruin a good character by turning him into a jerk. Jake forces Bella to kiss him and Bella breaks her hand hitting him in the jaw. Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, why did she have to ruin his character? He was ok until then. So now Jake is either trying to make Bella his beard, or make Twink jealous. I think the two butt-pirates had a little tiff.

Then she has to ruin the only other character that I actually liked, Charlie, and make him congratulate Jake on forcing himself on her. Face, meet palm.

Then we have a couple of pages of some serious sexual tension between Twink and Jake. Yeah, they had a little tiff. Twink was probably tired of being on bottom and when he told Jake, he just exploded. In that way.

Graduation. The peasants rejoiced. So right before graduation brainless Bella finally figures out who stole her clothes and is preparing a massive attack. Freaking Victoria. From two books ago! Not only is it super obvious that it is Victoria to anyone who has a brain and has read more than these books, but this stupid vampire still isn’t freaking dead? And since she’s not dead, she still hasn’t killed Bella? Good grief she is a sucky vampire.

Graduation party. Let’s get down and jiggy with it. Jacob shows up to apologize to his lover but Bella catches him and so he can’t sneak away for a bathroom banging. Jake then turns into a domineering jerk with Bella when she tells him about Victoria but he’s quickly shown the door by Jasper.

So the whole family gets ready for a huge fight and Bella worries about them dying or being horribly maimed. The Cullens invite the werewolves over for a little newborn vampire tear up and BBQ, and they RSVP in the affirmative.

Bella then turns the table on Twink and makes him stay with her during the fight by using the guilt card. Twink is disappointed because now how is he going to sneak away into the woods with his Jakey-wakey for some victory sex? Sheesh, she just doesn’t respect anyone.

So they keep preparing for this epic battle and Twink and Bella go up a mountain to hide out while all this is going down. Again Bella and Jake kiss and because we need more conflict to make Jake suffer, Bella ‘finds out’ that she loves both her sparkly love and her hairy man. Wow, who to choose, who to choose. Whose beard is she gonna be?

So the fight starts. And Victoria is actually kinda smart and finds Bella and Twink up in the mountain. So the second fight starts. Of course Twink wins. Without a hair out of place. And there’s Seth the werewolf too. He also wins his fight with a newborn vampire. Of course he does it less gay and more wolf like.

So the tension of the battle is only beginning! Or so SMeyer is trying to make me think that way. Twink and Bella head down the mountain because…someone is coming.

It’s the Volturi! Oh noes. They say some threatening words and burn up a newborn vampire and then sparkle away. And the Cullens are left alone.

After the fight we find out that Jake was hurt because the only girl werewolf was doing something stupid and he had to save her. Boy, this is totally a story to empower women. If you can’t catch my sarcasm there, trust me, it’s absolutely oozing out of my pores.

And Jake is the only one hurt in that whole battle. The only one! After Bella worrying and making such a big deal out of this, no one gets hurt! Especially her worrying about Alice. What would have been a cruel twist of fate or even ironic would be if Emmett was hurt or killed in that battle. Since she didn’t worry once about him, she would have felt guilty about never sparing him a second thought when he was the only one hurt and she could have consoled Rosalie and they could become friends. Or Rosalie would leave for awhile to deal with her grief.

But SMeyers vampires have god mode turned on so not one of them is even scratched or anything.

So Bella breaks Jacob’s heart for a final time and also breaking her own because she apparently loves him too. Twink seals his fate with Bella by giving her the ring he was saving for Jake to finally own up and propose.But Jake runs off so now Twink has to settle for his beard.

And that’s how this book ends. Boy, making Edward and Jacob gay for each other made this book a whole hell of a lot funnier and a little more enjoyable. I suggest doing so yourself if you ever read the book.

Also, I never mentioned this in my previous recaps, but SMeyer uses chagrin a lot. I mean a LOT. When I was flipping through the book for key points, I saw chagrin almost every time. I don’t think it means what she thinks it means.

It’s like using inconceivable over and over again. It loses its meaning after the 4th or 5th time.

Stay tuned for Breaking Dawn